i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
