Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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