Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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