My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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