I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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