I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
this beer tastes like vomit already
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
