If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
