This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
