Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
