everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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