I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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