I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
