He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
