life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
