the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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