I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
