I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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