I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
