just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
