when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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