turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
