Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
