I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
