he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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