Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
