I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
