she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
