So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
