Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
