He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
