News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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