I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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