At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
