I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
