the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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