it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
