How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
