I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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