My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
