I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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