I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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