Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The power of my boobs compel you
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
