True but thats because hes a fetus.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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