got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
