Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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