bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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