and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
