You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
