I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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