so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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