Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
