I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Let's get the cat blown out
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
